How to Work Out Arguments With a Loved One/move on?
I have been with my boyfriend for three great years. he is 29 and i am 21. In my eyes he is the one I want to marry and have kids with he feels the same way. We both are Christian, we serve in church and he is the pastors right hand man. I unlike my boyfriend was saving my self for marriage and I made him completely aware of this when we
first started dating. He understood and agreed to everything but of course a year and half into it we had sex. I enjoyed the sex but I always carried around a guilt because as a Christian woman I knew it was wrong. So I have told him that we need to make things right and get married. Which we are planning to do but he wants to wait till he is done with school. Which would mean me waiting two years for him to finish. He says he can't marry me not only because he hasn't finished school but because he wouldn't be able to support me financially. Which I understand but we would only have to take care of ourselves. So I don't see it as difficult but he does. I don't think I could stay if I don't get a ring and we set a date in at least a year but he won't budge and I'm just stuck at the moment. I know he loves me and love him but I don't want to continue giving him the milk for free?
Hi, Angelica! I understand you are frustrated with your current situation, however, I feel that pressuring your bf into marriage isn't necessarily the best way to go. Remember, I am NOT a professional and any advice that is given is strictly based on my opinion alone. With that said, if you feel your conscience is being heavily weighed down upon due to your beliefs, pressuring him into marriage because of the guilt you feel isn't necessarily fair. How does he feel about this entire situation? Does he feel the same type of guilt? If so, have you two thought about making a celibacy pact? I'm not too sure if he was a virgin prior to the both of you having sex together, but if he said in the beginning that he was willing to wait out of respect for you and your Christian faith, then why should it change now? Yes, you two have already had sex, but that doesn't mean you have to continue living in sin, does it?
If he loves and respects you, he will either A) propose and marry you or B) wait until you get married to have sex. The question remains are YOU willing to wait for him to finish school and will you be able to abstain from sleeping with him from this point forward to ease your guilty conscience?
You say he is unwilling to bend when it comes to marrying you and that he wants to be financially stable beforehand. That is perfectly understandable, but you want more and you want more now. Are you willing to end this relationship if he cannot commit to marrying you sooner rather than later? Or is it at all possible for the two of you two to come to a compromise? Instead of waiting the two years it would take him to finish school, would he be willing to possibly marry within a year?
Relationships are about communicating and compromising. It isn't fair for him to expect you to wait just as it isn't fair for you to pressure him into marrying you. You both agree that you love each other and want to be with one another in the long run, if that's true, then the best thing I can think of is to come to a compromise, an agreement in which both parties will benefit from.
If he is unwilling to consider your feelings and is unwilling to compromise, then why should you compromise not only your beliefs, but how you feel? It wouldn't be fair. For the sake of your relationship, talk to him. If he loves you as much as he says he does, he should be willing to work together with you so that you are both happy. Otherwise, it is up to you on whether you are willing to set your own feelings aside. If you love him enough, perhaps waiting for him to finish school wouldn't be so bad, but if you truly feel that you cannot wait and he can't put the effort in to come up with a game plan for the future of your relationship, then perhaps you should consider moving on. Just be very open and honest with him and remember, no matter what the outcome, God has a plan for us all. Best of luck to you, hon and please keep me posted.