How to Work Out Arguments With a Loved One/Boyfriend can't cut the cord
I'm trying not to let this situation bother me, but I can't deny that it's eating away at me. My boyfriend is so dependent on his mother.
We've been together for five years and living together for two. We're 26. He can't make a single decision without calling his mom and getting her input. He calls her about everything! He won't even try and work out the problem on his own first. Whether its what to do about a problem at work or a conflict with someone he has to call her. They call and text everyday and I find out she knows stuff that I didn't even know he had told her about.
She's very lovely, and I know she only has good intentions but its too much. Sometimes it bleeds over onto me and I want to tell her to back off, that I have my own mother to call if I need to. My mom taught me to stand on my own two feet and would only help me after she had seen evidence that I had tried to solve the problem on my own, so I don't relate to his need to call her over every event in his life. I listen to his problems when he comes to me and I offer some alternative ways to think but I will never tell him explicitly what to do, I leave the final decision to him, so then he calls her and follows her instruction. It's annoying and scares me for our future. I don't want to be doing this when we're trying to raise kids and he has to call her to ask what to do all the time. Even with taxes coming up, it's his first time doing it alone and she's send him letters and examples and me emails all with instructions and words of warning and keeps checking in to make sure we're not leaving it to the last minute....I wish she would just let him fall on his face once rather than coddle him.
I love him and he's very affectionate and sweet to me but this issue is something that I don't know how to deal with. I don't want to tell him to stop calling her, I don't want to be the wedge between him or force him to choose...I don't even know how to bring up the issue with him. I just want him to make some decisions on his own and leave the phone calls to his mom to just catching up.
I'm at a loss.
Hi, Sheelagh! I apologize for the lat response. Understandably so, you are frustrated and with good reason. You have been with this man for 5 years and within those 5 years, he is still unable to make decisions on his own without his mother's say so? That is a bit excessive on his end.
The only thing I can suggest, as difficult as it may be, is to sit down and talk to him. Let him know that you love him very, VERY much, but you feel that he needs to start making decisions on his own, without asking his mom for her opinion. Although you adore his mother and the bond they share, there comes a point in a man's life that he needs to start doing things alone...mom's approval, not required.
If you can, verbalize to him what you told me, but in a way that doesn't make him feel as though you are attacking his relationship with his mom. He might possibly get offended by what you say, but if he loves you, and i'm sure that he does, he will make an effort to hear you out and hopefully realize that his actions these past 5 years do have an impact on your relationship. You want a man who is independent, and able to handle situations on his own, not someone who needs to run to mommy everytime a problem arises.
If he is unable to cut that cord, it is up to you on how much of this behavior your are willing to tolerate.
Definitely speak with him first, and hopefully he will hear you and realize that it's time to leave the nest ENTIRELY and not run to his mom everytime a decision needs to be made.
Hope this helps!