How to Work Out Arguments With a Loved One/Husband wife relationship


Hello Sir,
At the outset, I sincerely appreciate your noble work being carried out selflessly to try bettering lives of distressed ones. I am from Mumbai, India. I have been married for about 16 years with one son. My family consists of my wife (house managing) and 14 years old son. I have a mother who stays away from me as both my wife and she is not getting along with each other since the day of our marriage. However, she do visits our home once in a month for few hours to spend some time with my son and leave the same evening. She gets my (late) fatherís pension and manages within that. I donít have to support her financially though I have provided all home appliances for her needs. My mother is temperamentally very outspoken and short-tempered and unfortunately same is of my wife, which results in scuffles between them.
The problem is my wife unnecessarily drags me into any and all issues created between them and makes my life hell. I tried to explain her to ignore my motherís jibes and taunts for the simple reasons that (1) look at the broader picture i.e. how our (wife and me) relationship is (2) my mother is an old woman (65 years) and it is difficult to change her (3) my mother doesnít stay with us and only comes once a month (4) our relationship is suffering and son gets influenced which will boomerang onto us in our old age.
Another issue is due to regular such troubles in our husband-wife relationships, I fell into a brief relationship with one of my colleagues who is a married woman, and have had series of adulterous married life (which I came to know later from other colleagues who have been working along with her for last twenty years, some she divulged). However, my wife got a wind of this and even I agreed to it. After that, our family life was like a hell for two months of this relationship which resulted into we both approached a lawyer for getting divorce. Fortunately, the lawyers sent us away explaining that this will devastate our sonís life. He even tried to explain me that such relationships donít work in long run and very soon I will regret. He requested us to give some more time to decide and if nothing changes then we can file for divorce. However, I was adamant simply because lots of dirty linens were washed by each other in our society, her relatives etc and I was sure now things will never improve even if I end up this extra marital affair. However, two months were too short to get into any physical relationship as I had never been into such affairs and was thinking she is God sent for me. How wrong I was. My wife and me even went to the extent of committing suicides and my work life got hugely affected. Relationships with my colleagues, boss soured drastically and there was a huge setback to my career prospects.
Suddenly, like through some blessings, I realized my mistake and abruptly stopped all my connections (chats, phones, emails, facebook) and came out of this relationship. Itís been a year now and I heard she is already into next relationship. I have broken all ties with her, and donít even look at her.
Now my wife is doubting on me over some other colleague who happens to be on my Whatsapp and share fun adult jokes with me. We are pure friends and I tried explaining to my wife if I was doing anything wrong then why would I keep the chat messages on phone and not delete it. These are pure fun shares and there were no personal chats so I requested her not to draw any conclusions. I even deleted my whatsapp account now to convince her that I am not bothered. For the past one year, after the earlier relationship I make it a point to rush home after office. I handover my complete salary to her and take very minimal allowance for my daily expenses. I also help her in house choirs. I try to be an ideal husband. Only thing, we hardly go on vacations because of high expenses involved in these days.
Kindly advice me how do I deal with the above and make her happy, caring and trusting like she was before?

Hi Gajendra,

Let's just reverse the situation, what if she were to fall in love with a neighbor? Would you have forgiven and forgotten and moved on? Once bitten twice shy and it is so very true. She will continue to jibe you every now and then for what you did in the past. The only way out is to be extremely patient. At times you would even be blamed for things you never did, but you will have to bear it with a smile. Concentrate on your son and become his friend and confidant. Let your life revolve around him, your wife will be mighty pleased, just like a mother would be. Save and plan a vacation during off season, keep track of website deals. Be pleasant and calm, get her things she likes even if its a bunch of roses.



How to Work Out Arguments With a Loved One

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Can handle all questions pertaining to arguments/difference of opinion among friends, spouses, family, colleagues. The crux is to understand the causality and personality of the people involved in such a complex situation.


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