How to Work Out Arguments With a Loved One/Money issues
Hello, my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and live in a condo together, which is all we could afford at the time. We pretty much had the same income (after deducting his child support monthly payments).
Well he just got a new job that pays a substantial more amount of money than me. He makes 4x more than I do. Now alls we do is argue. He likes to keep finances separate, and separate accounts since his ex took him to the cleaners.
We income proportioned shared expenses..and the rest of our money is ours to do what we want with and our own expenses.
I have my own cell, car, insurance to pay, and medications since I have asthma. Well after I pay my bills including income proportion bills, I don't get that much left over to myself.
He refuses to income proportion groceries, and had a fit recently that he shouldn't have to pay for half the snacks I eat that he doesn't eat (yogurt etc).
I have hypoglecemia so its crucial to keep my blood sugar levels stabilized that I constantly snack.
So I had no choice but to agree to this, so we just pay half for shared food thats it..we are on our own for snacks and he knows I have to pay more due to my condition..and he has to buy his kids their food separate. I know this whole thing is ridiculous, but I have no say.
He also said he's been resentful that if we go out to eat, he pays..I have never asked him to pay, he's always offered..but now he's resentful and he informed me I am to pay my half.
He knows recently Ive had financial struggles, had to get my tooth fixed which cost a lot, I needed new tires, my cat needed to go to the vet that was pricey..so right now Im in the hole and its going to be a while before Im out so I can't afford luxuries like going out. He said he feels taken advantage of..
I said fine then... we recently had friends ask us out for supper and we had to decline as I cant afford my portion. We also have friends who want us to go on a trip this summer but we had to decline because theres no way on short notice I can afford this.
How can we work this out so he's not always resentful that we cant do anything because Im struggling? Im not resentful that he makes more money than me, he worked hard for it. I enjoy my job so Im not looking to make more money just so I can keep up with him.
And even though he's not really being fair right now, I can't leave him because with all this overhead I have to pay off, I have no where to go..all my friends are married with kids, my family lives in a small town where there is no jobs far away from me.
I just need advice on how to stop arguing and stop making him resent me.
Hi, Julie! Sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time in your relationship.
I went through something similar, however, I was your bf. I made a significant amount more than my bf and we had just moved into our own place when he lost his job. Money was a big issue, but also, he didn't help around the house.
I began resenting him and feeling taken advantage of, but eventually decided to sit down and have a serious conversation with him. I told him how I felt and he completely understood where I was coming from. He was honest with me about the money situation and told me he was working hard at finding a job, but to make things easier, he would help around the house more and take more initiative when it came to getting things done, mostly house stuff, cleaning, etc. I would get home from a long day at work and the house would be spotless...he even did the laundry. LOL!
I don't know what the dynamic is in your home, but if he feels taken advantage of and resentful, you need to sit down and communicate with him. Personally, I don't feel he is being fair. Relationships are 50/50, but if someone is struggling, like in your situation, it is unfair of him to have these unrealistic expectations of you. You pay for what you can and it really wouldn't hurt him, since he has the extra income, to perhaps buy a little more groceries or things that are necesssities. If you want to go out and have fun, then I can understand him wanting you to pay for yourself (only if it's your idea of course), but if he complains about paying for everything when you don't even ask for it, then he definitely has a problem.
When you sit down or if you sit down and talk with him, tell him how you feel and ask him how he thinks the two of you can better the situation. You can both come up with a plan so that he doesn't feel resentment towards you and you won't feel like he's being an unfair jerk (which he kind of is).
Being cautious with money is smart, but to be a tight wad and cheapskate about it is something totally different.
You need to sit down and communicate with him. What he things is fair, really isn't. You didn't mention you love him anywhere in your message, so I'm just wondering, are you with him for the right reasons? Don't make excuses to be in a relationship because you can't afford to be on your own. That alone isn't being fair...to him or yourself. If he isn't willing to let go of certain things...especially in the money department, than my suggestion would be to leave. You don't deserve to feel the way you do...if anything, you deserve much, MUCH better.