How to Work Out Arguments With a Loved One/fighting


My fiancee/boyfriend has lived with me in my house that I own for 17 years. He had custody of his kids and raised them here.
At first when he moved in he would repair things around the house but now he will not as he says it will never be his house as it will go to my two sons when I die. He got a settlement a couple of years back and bought his own house which made me happy as I thought that would give him that pride in ownership, but didn't help. He hasn't done much with it, but rents a small efficiency apartment out, but complains continuously about the tenant. I have made out my will that if I die first he can continue to live here if he wants to. He had a good job as a truckdriver when he moved in but lost his cdl as a result of two DUI's. I cannot financially do all the repairs that need to be done. Do I have a right to ask for his help financially as this will not ever be his house legally? He does provide food and utility and other help. He cuts the grass (3 acres). My adult son who is currently disabled from a car accident lives here and I admit he should have been gone long ago. He is 37 and is trying to get on disability so he can get the hell away from my boyfriend who has always treated him disrespectfully. We fight constantly about my son and money. My boyfriend is now working at Wal-Mart at night and we are not alowwed to make normal living sounds in the day. I feel so much resentment for him over so many things. He is mostly mean and nasty and foul-mouthed and I tell him to go live in his own house so I can have some peace but he won't go. I just don't want to fight anymore and not feel this resentful. I am angry because he drank his way out of a good career. I am jealous because his ex-wife married a man who adores her and takes her on vacations twice a year and I can't get him to do anything for me without a fight. Anything I ask him to do is met with anger on his part. I have to carefully weigh out my words so as not to set him off. When he comes home he starts looking to see if anyone touched anything of his or ate any of his food. I have to ask to cook anything that he bought, he says I don't but if I just go ahead and take something out of the freezer he starts making comments about how he bought that and I have to tell him when I am cooking something of his. Well the original question is about the house repair issue, but I guess there are a lot of other issues too.

Hi Peg,

You are right, there are numerous issues here and repairs is just one of the latest. This man is unhappy and dissatisfied and obviously can give you no peace or joy as he hasn't got any. He does not have a job he is proud of, he takes out all frustrations on you. Guess you need to now indulge in some plain talk with him, whereby the only way out for him is to move out to his own apartment. At this juncture in your life, you need someone who cares not someone who is mean. This is the only long term solution. Your son is with you and should have moved out but if he cannot, being a mother you would have to provide for him.  You need to help him get on his own after he gets the disability grants.

Now for the current problem at hand - calculate how much repairs would cost. Calculate how much help he provides monetarily and then see if you are getting a rough deal. Then talk to him politely seeking a part of the amount for repairs and explain that you aren't dead yet, so he cannot calculate the benefits that whether the house would come to him or not!!! He is staying in a house and it's his moral responsibility to help out.



How to Work Out Arguments With a Loved One

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