How to Work Out Arguments With a Loved One/relationship trouble
Hi, I have been having some trouble with my boyfriend of one year. We are both 18 years old.
The problem started months ago. My ex (from 2 years ago that I only dated for a month, it didn't work out very well) started messaging me often. It used to be just literally about once a month, just to catch up (we had decided to stay friends). Then he started to message more often (on Facebook). I do not believe he is interested in me, and even if he was, I have no interest in him. Furthermore, I would never see him; he doesn't know where I live (with our short relationship, we only met in public areas, and also we already live about 30 minutes away from each other). Anyway, basically the small friendship we have is completely online and that is all it is and ever will be. I never plan to meet him again, ever.
Well, my boyfriend didn't like me talking with him. To an extent, I understand. I'm sure I wouldn't really liken to the idea of my boyfriend talking to an ex. He explicitly said he knew I wouldn't cheat on him, that cheating wasn't the problem. The problem simply was that he "hates" my ex (although he doesn't know him). He started many arguements over it, got very angry about it. So eventually for his sake I just blocked my ex. It seemed to lessen a lot of conflict. Several months after blocking him, my ex messaged me via mobile phone. He was telling me about a friend he had that needed friends and emotional help, and he said she had much in common with me and thought I should befriend her. At first I thought this was some sort of ploy against me, but this girl is real. Anyway, before replying, I told my boyfriend about it. He said it's up to me if I want to reply or not, and if I want to unblock him or not. I did not plan to unblock him, but we ended up having a conversation which was difficult to do with texting, so I unblocked him. I didn't see the harm and my boyfriend didn't seem to care anymore. I thought maybe he was over it, and anyway I felt bad to ignore anymore texts. So I unblocked him and now we talk every now and then. Now my boyfriend is annoyed again and it seems worse.
So, I don't know what to do. I feel like I have no choice in my relationships and friendships. I don't want to block him again because I feel bad, I felt so bad for doing it in the first place without giving reason, and I don't want to do it again. I feel like I'm the one being "mean" or in the wrong here even though I didn't exactly do anything wrong. I feel so conflicted and stressed... what should I do?
You judged it perfectly, you'd feel equally upset if he were to continue a dialogue with his ex. Yes, it seems he is trying to dictate terms to you and curtail your freedom. But trust me this casual conversation with this ex is soon going to turn into something serious. Have you told this ex that you are in a steady relationship now? If not, go right ahead and let him know casually. Stop answering his calls/messages once in a while, let him assume you were busy. He would get the hint and you'd not have to be mean enough to block him. Next time you chat/talk/message, ensure that your present boyfriend is in the same room. Allow him to listen/see what's going on and that it's harmless.