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About Jessie Upp, M.S., R.C.
Expertise

Working through the My Way to OUR WAY method, I offer engaged & married couples help with issues regarding love, conflict resolution, anger management, blended families (married with children), parental issues and sibling rivalry.

When in conflict, you might wonder:

Why does he/she DO THAT?!
I just understand him/her.
I can't get them to consistently start/stop!
Why is he/she so upset?
I'm in a lose-lose situation.

If you're stuck, it's because you THINK you have run out of opportunities. I can help you find more!!

Experience

Experience:

Highly experienced in the area of conflict, I believe that families can take full responsibility for solving their own problems, without the need for a long-term third party. I lead an association of counselors who I train so that they can train families on this method (within 5 sessions) and this has made a major difference for many families!

Education/Credentials:
Registered Counselor #RC00059845
M.S. in Management & B.A. in Communications
Formal Education in: Learning, Mediation and Coaching

You are here: Experts > Teens > Teen Advice > How to Work Out Arguments With a Loved One > Teen son that lives with his mom

How to Work Out Arguments With a Loved One - Teen son that lives with his mom

Expert: Jessie Upp, M.S., R.C. - 6/3/2007

Question
My son chose to stay home (with his mom) and not attend his step son's birthday party with the family. My ex wife supports my son's decision with the warped notion that he should be able to do what he wants! I pick him up the next weekend and talk to him about his selfish decision (he had no other reason to not go, just a preference to stay home).
We get in an argument and he wants to be taken home. I do - I pick him up the following week and he doesn't want to go because "I wasted" his Saturday last week by wanting to talk about it and now he made me drive to pick him up so he can inconvenience me out of spite and then tell me he doesn't want to go. The ex is useless and that is where this warped sense of entitlement and lack of boundaries and common sense come from. To top it off, he is a teenager (15) - how do we reconcile this? He thinks he is right and thinks I am wrong and talks back and has no respect for the situation. He has done this when he was smaller too and the ex supports him on it. She lets the inmates run the asylum I am afraid. What can I do to reconcile with my son?

Answer
Dear Bill,

You want to have a powerful relationship with your son and this is wonderful.

If you ever are feeling powerless in a power struggle, then maybe start thinking that there is no struggle for power at all. Your son simply has some needs and they aren't being met. You have some needs and they aren't being met.

You two (and your ex) have yet to come up with a way to meet all your needs. There IS a win-win situation here. It's just hard to see with your current way of thinking.

What context would empower you when you are feeling powerless in your sons eyes? How could you replace "my ex is useless" with something that makes her useFULL?

See, what you've been doing hasn't been working, yes? The quickest way to change a situation is to change the way you're looking at it...

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