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Hi, my name is Rhiya, I'm 15 and i have been writing my fantasy novel Andradar for just over a year. I am around half way through the plot line and have reached 26 000 words. I dont aspire to fame, i just want to be able to write a novel that means something to someone. I would be grateful f you could comment on my plan of the novel. I have reached the point at which Kisha has arrived at the Horizon. Background: Andradar is a floating dimension, which uses the same setting as Earth; this is a purely coincidental product of a clash in space time. As Andradar is in the 5th dimension, we as humans in the 4th dimension cannot sense it. In the 5th dimension, one is able to travel into their memories and relive their past. The book is set in the future, train stations are trashed and no longer used, there has been a Great War which has affected all dimensions, due to conflict within religion, causing Andradar to be split by a Crack. The peace treaty in the 4th dimension was negotiated in Stone Henge, with each stone being carved into a different religious symbol. Andradar is a floating city (like an island); if you fall off the edge you are hurled into space. Andradar is ruled by a monarchy, traditionally referred to as the Master, who dresses in robes and wears a mask, in order to distinguish the current Master from the previous and future Masters, the colour of the mask alternates between black and white The Master’s eyes are golden and royalty’s eyes turn golden between dusk and dawn. Andradar is the city of Angels, instead of becoming a teenager and adult, children in Andradar become Angels, this refers to their more mature state of mind as well as the emergence of their wings and their ability to fly. The children of society live on one side of the Crack, on the eve of their thirteenth birthday they are required to step off their balconies, once both feet leave the ground, their wings emerge. Not all children of Andradar are able to turn Angel, these select few are considered as scum and referred to as ‘lates’. The public is not aware that some ‘lates’ can read minds. There is a sense of religion in Andradar; there is belief in Alzaan, which is viewed not as an ultimate personality, but an all governing force similar to nature. The sculpture of Alzaan has been present in the city (Zodiac Square) since the beginning of time and is supposedly a gift from Alzaan to the city, anyone who touches the sculpture is instantly happy. The Great War in Andradar was between good and evil, and the power of all good (Alzaan) was destroyed. Only the prophecy is able to restore this power, the power has been drained from the sculpture and now only the prophecy can touch the sculpture, others feel a magnetic force repel them. In order to find the prophecy, the Master (Nathan) introduces the Intelligence Examination, which filters out the extremely able children they are then tested physically, mentally and psychologically. So far the prophecy has not been found, the children who pass the Intelligence Examination, return to the children’s side of the Crack after the tests, they become Carers at the orphanage and hometels (which provided children with a comfortable hotel like service for a small fee from the parents). The Angelites are the Emergency Service. Story: When Jack, the Master’s eldest son proposes to Rhea, a ‘late’, he is disowned by his family, for bringing shame. Jimmy, Jack’s best friend and the son of the Royal gardener Tom witnesses this. The Master dies leaving Nathan, Jack’s brother in charge, however before his death, the Master commands Nathan to make the unbreakable vow of destroying his brother’s family. In order to assist him in doing so, he passes two laws: newborns were to be chipped preventing them from travelling into their memories and allowing the Master’s departments of ‘lates’ to read their minds, alter and block memories. Cidus, the drug of optimism was to be administered to all citizens on the night they turn Angel, in order to prevent complaints about the lack of free will. Hyprins, hypnotised robotic bird like creatures are also introduced, programmed to keep watch over all citizens of Andradar that are chipped. Before Jack leaves he says farewell to Jimmy whose wife Maria is due to have a baby. Jimmy says he wanted Jack to be the Godfather, Jack says of course he will be and that he will miss Jimmy. Jack and Rhea, banished from Andradar wonder around the outskirts of the city, teetering on the edge of space. They meet Spag a lone traveller who claims he knows of land outside/under Andradar, a deserted but beautiful ravine occupied by a couple, Ash and xxx. They fly there, Jack carrying Rhea. The three of them live there on the Horizon. Spag retains contact with the outside world and delivers Jack’s letters to Jimmy and other friends. Spag also keeps Jack and Rhea updated on current affairs and when the chipping is introduced they all develop and strengthen their mental security. Maria dies in childbirth and Jimmy name his son Carlos. Jack and Rhea have a daughter, they call her Kisha. Jack thinks it will be safer for Kisha to live and grow up in Andradar as she is unknown to most of Andradar and if she was ever captured her weak mind defences would give her whole family away. Jack gives Rhea his mother’s amethyst ring. Rhea (in the disguise of a private carer) and Kisha go to live on the outskirts of Andradar. Neither of them are chipped, Spag pays them regular visits. On one such visit, he tells Rhea that Jack needs her and that the Horizon is at risk of attack. Rhea is reluctant to leave Kisha, but knows she cannot mentally survive there. It takes days to apply for a place at a hometel so Kisha has no choice but to live at the orphanage. Rhea and Spag travel back to the Horizon. In the Royal Quarters Tom dies, Jimmy tells Carlos that his grandfather was waiting to see Jack one last time. Carlos questions Jimmy about Jack but Jimmy says that he will tell Carlos another time. When Kisha is six, she sees a young boy fall down the Crack, she is traumatized and doesn’t speak. She is taken to the hospital where they try to check her chip to see what caused the trauma, but there isn’t one, so they insert one and wipe her mind. She if from then on scared of heights. She is seen as strange, isolated has no friends and is hated by her carers. She cannot remember anything of her past and lives in the horrible attic alone. Her carers never forget to mention that whilst the other children in the orphanage’s parents are dead and had been brought by relatives, her parents had abandoned her. She often plans nasty tricks she can play on her carers like loosening all the screws in their beds and..... At the age of nine she plans on running away to find her parents, she breaks into Madame Christine’s office and finds her folder; she searches for an address or a name on a document. In the folder she finds a key which she takes but no contact details. She treasures the key and dreams of where it might lead her.  At the age of eleven she takes the intelligence examination. She does not want to become a carer and live without optimism in a world deprived of goodness. She is desperate to turn Angel and keen to take Cidus but has a fear of heights, which she constantly attempts to overcome. Meanwhile, Carlos turns Angel and Jimmy considers him mature enough to know about Jack. Jimmy explains that Jack was banished and that Spag had kept him updated on news. A few years later, Carlos mentions Jack to the Master in a moment of rage. The Master plans to get Carlos’s memory wiped, and Jesse, the Master’s son notifies him of this. Carlos tells his father of the Master’s plans and Jimmy tells Carlos that he must run away, and that as long as Jack is still alive there was still hope for him. One day at the age of 14, Kisha attends the Master’s parade, the Master singles her out and stares at her, this intensity causes her chip to break and she faints. Whilst unconscious she sees glimmers of light, she is led by her heart towards the furthest one. She regains consciousness.  Over the summer she faints more and more frequently, one day she reaches the light and finds herself in a memory of her old apartment with her mother and herself as a baby. She does not realise this was a memory. She sees her mother’s amethyst ring. The light is extinguished and she awakes outside the orphanage, it is night time. She knocks on the door of the orphanage and Madame Christine informs her that she is old enough to pay rent, but Kisha has no money and is forced to leave. She falls and injures herself on the orphanage stairs. Hunger drives her towards a nearby hometel, Starshine. She climbs through a window into the larder and settles down to eat some bread. She hears a noise, someone sliding the window. Panicked she falls unconscious once more. In her memory she sees Jack giving Rhea the amethyst ring and her and her mother parting from the Horizon. She awakes to a boy, Robin standing over her, and an older boy, Jay scavenging for food. They are surprised by her presence, as she is injured they decide to take her back to their leader, Eagle who lives in a train carriage in the remains of Westminster station, Which is next to a hospital and opposite a deserted office block. Kisha meets Wren, another member of their group and is taken to see Eagle, a 15 year old boy, who recognises her instantly as Jack and Rhea’s daughter due to her golden eyes. Eagle tells Kisha that his real name is Carlos. Kisha is given the code name Ava. They drink stew for dinner, Kisha’s is drugged to ensure she is not a spy sent from the Master and she reveals all her knowledge to Eagle. She awakes the next day convinced that the birds are here to capture her. Robin takes her to see Eagle who explains that she is welcome to stay among them for as long as she wishes. Kisha asks about Carlos, instead of responding, she finds herself dragged into his memories where she sees the night Tom dies. Kisha doesn’t understand how Carlos allowed her to see his memories, but Carlos insists that she as a ‘late’ read his mind. It strikes her that her visions were memories. Carlos says that this is expected when your chip breaks, some people have sudden bursts of knowledge, for others its as if they never lost it. She thinks that the key could lead her to the apartment in her vision. She tells Carlos about the key and the room in her memory. Wren figures out whereabouts the orphanage is in relation to the station. They locate it on a train map and travel through the tunnels emerging through a small hole they find near to the orphanage. Jay and Carlos take a piece of the railway tracks and use it as a ladder to get onto the balcony. Kisha and Carlos gather up her things quietly and throw them down to Robin. Kisha takes Carlos by the arm and drags him down the stairs, where they can here the carers laughing at the television, they creep into Madame Christine’s room and loosen all the screws on her bed and mix her shampoo with hair removal moose, giggling as they do so. They lie in wait beneath the window in the garden and watch as the bed collapses under her weight. On their way back through the tunnel, Jay leads the way followed by Wren, Robin, Kisha then Carlos. Kisha slows down and kisses Carlos lightly when he approaches, surprising him and thanking him for coming with her. He blushes but it is hard to see in the dark. She and Carlos grow close, and one day Carlos reveals he is Angel that has not taken Cidus. Carlos takes Kisha to the roof of the office block and flies her to the Angel Realm where she sees the sculpture of Alzaan. Suddenly Carlos remembers that there are Angelites watching the Zodiac Square to see if the prophecy is found, Carlos leads her out of the square and kisses her. He also takes a twig from the mahogany tree. They fall in love. Carlos trains Kisha to read minds and she practices on Evelyn, a dying Angel at the nearby hospital. In Evelyn’s memories she sees her father walking along side Nathan and is confused. She camps out with Carlos in the office block and she sees his memory of Jimmy explaining who Jack is to Carlos. Jay is a ‘late’ who used to live in a hometel, when he was 13 his 17 year old brother came to him, this broke his chip, the elder brother promised freedom and excitement, adventurous Jay agrees, they go away (hometel know about this), brother tries to recruit Jay to the mind reading thing, he runs away and meets Carlos. Liam is his younger brother who he misses dearly, every two months the children from the hometel visit a local market and Jay goes to watch them and catch sight of his brother, he gets very excited and happy when he sees him and babbles on. This time he sees the elder brother with Liam and gets very angry, Carlos promises to save Liam.  Wren, after Kisha recounts the view from the window in the apartment and the surrounding buildings has finally found the apartment which fits Kisha’s description. Carlos steals some clothes from a carer at Starshine on a nightly raid and dresses up as a carer to accompany Kisha on her visit to the apartment. The apartment is vacant and a number for viewing is left in the window. Carlos calls the number using a payphone and some coins he finds in the pocket of the stolen clothes. An Angel comes immediately from the other side of the Crack, hugs Kisha, expecting her to recognise him. She doesn’t. He is angry and says ‘your mother tried so hard to make sure you weren’t chipped’. She is surprised that he knew her mother, she faints.  In her memory she sees how Spag visited her and Rhea after a raid with a damaged wing. Rhea nursed it for him but it remained broken, he tells Rhea that the Horizon is at great risk of attack and that Rhea must return so Kisha ends up at the orphanage. When she awakes she recognises him as Spag. Carlos is surprised. Spag gives her the ring and a letter and tells Kisha that her mother sent it and that the letter states her dying wish asking Kisha to come to the Horizon and help to build the better world. Spag explains how he came to the orphanage and tried to become Kisha’s guardian but Madame Christine wasn’t having any of it, the next time he tried, she was gone, and he had been looking for her ever since. Spag thought Kisha lived in apartment but was never home so he put his number up, knowing that if she lived there she would complain about him claiming ownership of her house and if not, he presumed she was not chipped and would remember her childhood years and come to visit the apartment from time to time. Kisha is reluctant to go with Spag to the Horizon and wants her friends to come but Spag doesn’t trust them.  Carlos insists that she goes as it is her duty. He takes her to Stone Henge that night his favourite place in Andradar and tells her the story of the war in the fourth dimension. He tells her that just like they found peace, we will find peace and that he will be able to be with her again. He gives her the necklace he has made for her out of the wood he collected when they went to the Angel Realm. He kisses her again. As Spag's wing is broken they are due to travel to the Horizon the next day in a space boat (white, sparkling and Gondala looking) from the edge of Andradar. Kisha says farewell to the other birds that are 'lates' and cannot fly. Carlos takes Kisha to the edge of Andradar; they survey space, whilst waiting for Spag to arrive. She says farewell to Carlos who tells her that he will wait for her. The journey takes three days and Spag tells Kisha about her parents and how her mother died and that her body was found at the bottom of a cliff. Spag thinks she must have fallen as Rhea was not the suicidal type, and Jack loved her very much. At first they are both suspicious of each other, pretending to sleep whilst watching the other one, but over time they grow at ease with one another, discuss and question society and the prophecy etc. e.g. what do you know about the Master? Well I hear he….She founds out about Ash and xxx who are lates in hiding At the Horizon she is reunited with her father, who says stuff like: 'you've grown up so beautiful' and 'you look just like your mother' with tears in his eyes. Horizon is the epitome of nature, undamaged by Angels. Kisha brings Jack news of Tom's death and how Tom was waiting to see Jack one last time. Jack says something like..'he was like a father to me…' Kisha constantly grips her necklace and thinks of Carlos, his scent, voice etc. Kisha asks Jack how Carlos and Spag recognised her and why she always felt isolated in Andradar. Jack tells Kisha that this is because of her eyedentification and that as she has royal blood her eyes turn golden between dusk and dawn. Spag is angry that Kisha and Jack get on so well as he wanted Kisha to make Jack feel guilty, Kisha to try and run away to Andradar and Jack to follow her, only for them both to be caught by the Master. The Anger is sensed in Spag's tone of voice and desertions of Kisha and Jack. Jack thinks he is jealous as he is spending a lot of time with Kisha and tells Kisha 'He (Spag) looked after me really well especially after your mother died'. Kisha tries to read Spag's mind but cannot guide herself, she is stuck in the present. She thinks of Carlos's words when he guided her of reading Evelyn's mind. She overhears a phone call Spag makes when he says: 'Yes, I've dealt with her' in rage, she reads his mind and sees her mothers death where Rhea reads Spag's mind and says 'I know you are going to find Kisha and hand us over to Nathan, I'm going to tell Jack' she runs along the rocks Spag takes a gun and follows her, pointing the gun at her, he says 'don't move or I will shoot' he approaches her, she backs away and falls of the rocks to her death. The porthole to his past closes as he regains control of his mind. The conversation closes with 'Yes, bring the army, it's a very big place, they may try to hide', Spag does not see Kisha. She goes to warn her father that Nathan is going to attack he doesn't believe and thinks Spag is a loyal friend. She knows she must escape and that her father will not willingly come with her. She builds a boat from the scraps that Spag discarded after making his knowing that her father may need Spag's space boat to escape himself. She escapes to find Carlos who she hopes will help. She finds Westminster station Jay, Robin and Wren are there. They tell her how Carlos sacrificed himself for them during a fight for Liam and how that gave them time to escape and that his memory was wiped and he was chipped and sent to the orphanage. They also tell Kisha that after she left Carlos sulked for days and planned out the location of the Horizon and mapped it out in the control room of the station and knew if there was ever a problem he would be able to save her. Carlos often visits the station without reason. She finds Carlos one night, heading towards the station, he is worn out and the sparkle has gone from his eyes, she tries to break his chip but is unsuccessful. She says something like 'Carlos, it's me Kisha; you've got to help me, their planning and attack to capture me and Jack.' He replies 'Jack didn't save me' as an instinctive answer but he can't remember who Jack is or what he is talking about. Jay, Robin and Wren travel back to the Horizon. Jack, Ash and xxx are locked up and Spag instantly ties up the four birds. Jesse flies to the Horizon and prepares to take all of them prisoner. They give him looks of betrayal. He calls for back up to escort them back to Andradar. Meanwhile, Carlos after seeing Jesse with his father processing, regains his memory as his chip is broken. He remembers Kisha saying that the Horizon has been attacked and that he is needed. He goes to the station and the train control room and decides to go to the Horizon, after convincing the other children and the carers of the orphanage to join him. The uprising results in carers ferrying hundreds of children to the Horizon, with Carlos leading the way.  He frees the seven prisoners whilst Spag and Jesse have gone to greet the Angelites arriving from Andradar as back up. Jimmy comes as the Master's sidekick but fights against him. Full scale battle commences. Carlos kills many and duels with Jesse but does not want to harm him. Jesse slashes Carlos's chest, a sign of the ultimate betrayal. Hundreds of children and soldiers are slain. Jack and Spag duel. Kisha, Jack and Carlos are captured and taken to the Master whilst Jay, Robin, Wren, Ash, xxx and Jimmy fight on. Nathan remains in the Royal Quarters, when he sees Kisha he feels warmth spread inside him lighting up the evil corners of his soul. He takes her to the sculpture and she touches it. He tells her that his life is a sacrifice to Alzaan and that the prophecy and the future of Andradar is worth more than his life. He asks Jack to forgive him, Jack says he never hated him and that he understood the meaning of duty. They hug and Jack cries, his tears causing the black mask to crumble, he touches the dust but nothing happens, when Kisha touches it, it forms the white mask. As it moulds to her face the sky turns gold. Everyone's chips break, the effect of Cidus wears off due to this great power. Spag is dragged inwards as the Crack closes leaving a scar in the landscape which is filled with a river in years to come and the spirits of dead Angels rise towards the dwelling of Alzaan, an era is over.    I am having problems developing the personalities of the characters as i feel i am too consumed in the plot and though i can imagine their appearences and i feel as if i know them but i find it hard to describe them. Do you have any advice? Do you think there are too many characters (bearing in mind there is a community at the Horizon)? Other people i have spoken too believe that the story lacks romance, i am considering creating a character Regus, whom Kisha begins to like when she is rejected by Carlos after his mind is wiped. Do you think this is a good idea? I have made many scientific references in the novel for example i have explained on my own terms how the spaceboat (sparkling white gondala would function) as well as the way in which mind reading takes place in a scientific sense...do you think this might put off the reader? Many thanks for any advice you can give me

Answer
Take your characters and create a Character Profile: list every detail of them-- likes and dislikes even. This will help you make them come alive and be 3-D. And to keep track of their personalities.

To add the romance, you can create the character that she may meet and then play with the flirting before revealing the romance, leading up to it.

Your ideas are good-- write them and if you want to change something later, you can in your edit. You can add or delete something to make it jive.

I think nothing will put off a reader in fantasy if you write good.

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Jannie Balliett

Expertise

I am a published writer, Chief Editor and own A1 Editorial Service. I teach writing, specializing in novel writing, and creative writing. I can answer most any question concerning writing a book, plot and characterization, tighten the prose, and the editing process, and help advise with publishing and the requirements of obtaining a literary agent.

Experience


I'm a published writer, freelancer, and Chief Editor and own A1 Editorial Service. I teach writing for my two Online writer workshops.

Organizations
Sisters In Crime Internet Chapter, The Short Mystery Fiction Society, and Brazos Writers Group.

Publications
Writers Post Journal magazine, May 2006 issue, Augusr 2006 issue, Nov/December 2006 issue and soon in 2008, On A Whim, flash fiction anthology, offered in Barnes & Nobles and Amazon.

Education/Credentials
Some college, creative writing, fiction writing

Past/Present Clients
I have numerous clients using my service through my editorial service and numerous members in my Online writer workshops.

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